Jasmineteax

This is technically a status update and a bit of a vent... I haven't written a journal here in ages!

So many things have changed since Eclipse - it feels like a whole new site even though it's the same goofy dA. Still gotta relearn the interface lol, it took me a bit to even get that emoticon and to start this journal.

I wonder how many of the older users are still around even after the exodus I haven't taken much of a look around so I have no clue how this site is nowadays and how much of the culture has changed. I suspect it's still full of teens, just part of a different generation, who're slowly learning how to use computers and put pretty pictures up on the internet that probably aren't theirs - hopefully I'm proven wrong lmao.

You youngsters probably missed out on the glory days that was known as the Windows XP days btw ;D no VM can bring that back.

I guess this will be looked back on as the Windows 10 days, or the days a bit before Windows 11. Time's gonna fly... (Windows 7 was still better LOLOLOLOLOL)

Also, slight tangent, but woah actual dividers! I still remember calling upon the power of PLZ avatar accounts back in the days to create fancy borders that weren't just hyphens all lined up to hopefully make a line that didn't span more than one line lol. I suspect older journals that used such methods are problematic for mobile users, or they straight up don't appear like the ones that were on my bio before Eclipse hahaha.

Regardless, I hope you and your loved ones are doing well - these past few years have really seen the world change huh.

Btw, for those of you who have faved my art and even followed me despite my patchy submission streak, thank you so much. It really means a lot to me.

tl;dr at the end if you're short on time.

Anyways, that's enough reminiscing... let's get down to it. This is something I should've communicated right from the beginning, and it's regarding my massive hiatus that I randomly took without even a peep last year. I've really wanted to put this somewhere for a long time now but I kept forgetting about it - sorry >_>

In the end though, I'm just a random wannabe artist on the internets, so this isn't gonna shock anyone unless you are for some reason a time traveller who decided for whatever reason to check out my profile, which, thanks hahaha. I appreciate your time and care.

In mid October of 2020, I ended up with RSI from overworking my weak right arm, and a few months later my left arm began to get it too. Majority of the pain came from mouse clicks at the time, but it always adapted to whatever I was frequently doing, as the name suggests. During that time, it was my final year of a 3D game art course, so this was really devastating for me because I wasn't able to adequately rest it and had to bear through the pain just to get an assessment done on time.

Was that worth it? Not at all. The project ended up being a dump, though I will admit that there were wonderful memories made with the friends in the team throughout its time. For you younger people out there (though I'm technically not that old but I might as well be at this point), your health is never worth sacrificing to maintain an image of health. Sounds like common sense, but common sense isn't common anymore.

Even worse, I wanted to take a break this year from studying altogether and go find a job or something, but certain people basically forced me into another year of studying game art because it benefited them though it was under the guise of "well you have nothing better to do with your life anyways, so you might as well do this". I ended up working with said person for the rest of last year on yet another game project and it felt like a hellhole, but thankfully the project isn't as much of a dump compared to the one where I got my injury. However, I always get this bad feeling about it... maybe I'm just pessimistic.

Rest for my arms was merely a fleeting dream because getting it to hurt is way easier than it is to make the darned thing recover!

By the time the first year anniversary hit for my RSI, I'd basically given up on bothering to make it better.

The pain and the trauma that I brought upon myself to maintain a facade of being okay and a hard worker is still with me today, so much so that it makes me reluctant to touch art ever again because of how it ruined my hands. When I think of art now, while I do think of the happy memories, I primarily end up thinking of the pain I've experienced, as well as the requirement for using break timers. Way too much work dude!! I just wanna draw/3D model LOLOLOL

I still need time to recover and also to deal with what's gonna happen this year, because I've basically been forced into yet another year of study (which thankfully it's only a year), although thankfully again it's not gamedev. It is still partially related to the course last year though, because otherwise those people wouldn't have bothered with pushing me about it. At least throughout the last 2 years, I've learnt that full-time gamedev isn't for everyone, even if you're an artist. Those colleges make money off pipe dreams lol

Thankfully since the first occurrence, the pain has gotten far better but it still sticks around and comes around at the worse times. It now gets triggered by mouse clicking, typing and gaming with a controller since those are the things I do most frequently nowadays. Drawing doesn't seem to have any effect anymore since I haven't done it in such a long time, but again, still trying to recover from that trauma.

(Writing this journal has been a little bit painful, but thankfully I recently got a mechanical ergonomic keyboard with soft-ish switches so I'm not constantly bottoming out unlike my usual laptop keyboard).

If you still don't exactly understand how RSI affects an artist trying to apply for jobs while also having major art block because of their condition, think of it this way: you're physically unable to do what you need to do for the job without being limited by your physical pain and lack of motivation, and so you're competing against people on a really competitive job market (high supply and low demand) while being basically handicapped.

After mentioning my condition to a number of recruiters because I hadn't been able to update my portfolio for such a long time, I basically got blown off most of the time. I will admit that it was probably more of the nail in the coffin rather than the one factor that destroyed everything since after getting RSI, I've learned to take things a lot more chill and I probably looked too carefree to them. They probably thought I was trying to get away with being a lazy bum or something, and I wouldn't blame them because no one wants to hire a liability unless you're there to tick a box.

If you were with me 'til the end of that, thanks heaps and I hope it wasn't too much of a sob story lol. I've lived with RSI for more than a year now so I'm used to random pains and bouts of weakness just appearing and disappearing in my arms and hands. If you live with something long enough, it stops being as big of a deal and you just learn to cope with it lol, not that that's a good thing.

tl;dr

• I got RSI in mid October in 2020 and still have it, but it's not as bad as before

• It affects my mouse clicking, typing and gaming and it affected my drawing for a while, as it affects anything that I do for a while repeatedly

• My motivation for any art has been killed by it due to the pain and the amount of effort it takes to negate and prevent the pain (I probably have some form of trauma because of it but I have no reason to go to a pro about it... I doubt my family would let me anyways)

• I still need time to recover and prepare for what's ahead for the rest of this year

• It's never worth sacrificing your health to maintain an image of health and being a hard worker who will bend over backwards for anything (hint: it'll never be good enough, you're chasing a carrot on a stick)

• If you ever get this and you want to go pro as an artist, it'll be tough if you're not already in a job, because it's very hard to compete in the job market with it (at least in my exp, maybe I'm just a moron not worth the effort lol). It will prevent you working on your portfolio which is the biggest problem

• Getting RSI has at least taught me to take things a lot more chill

In conclusion, my art will now remain more of a hobby like it always has, though it will still take me quite a while before I'm ready to do art again. Sorry if you thought I was dead lol, though I doubt a lot of people were concerned as again, I'm just some nobody on the internet, and even more so here on dA. If you were worried though, I really appreciate that you cared about me T_T

If you have any questions, comments or concerns regarding my condition and story or just wanna drop by and say hi or something, feel free to do so I don't care if you're from a few years away, I'm gonna be sticking around here for a while at least.

Sorry that this is quite a long journal hahaha. Wasn't expecting to have this much to say!